


The Time Harry Got a Diary and Discovered that Writing is More Cathartic than Yelling

by Elly_dk



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Auror Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Auror Training, Coming Out, Diary, Drarry, Epistolary, Fluff, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Harry pov, Humor, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Post-Hogwarts, Ptsd (light), Slow Burn, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-05-13 17:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 18,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14753540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elly_dk/pseuds/Elly_dk
Summary: Harry receives a diary from Hermione for his twentieth birthday. What in the world would Harry Potter need a diary for? – Was what nobody asked ever, well, except for Harry himself of course.





	1. August 1st 2000

**Author's Note:**

> Woops... I started a new fic... so... I am officially addicted.
> 
> I just had this idea filed away from after I finished Draco's diary. 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy my take on Harry's.
> 
> Love  
> Elly

I can’t believe I'm actually writing in this thing. 

This is just silly. 

Hermione is totally wrong, it makes no sense to just ‘write down whatever is going through my mind’. 

Nothing. That’s what’s going through my mind. Nothing other than what a complete waste of time this is. When will I ever find use for a diary? 

It’s ridiculous.


	2. September 5th 2000

This is still stupid. 

I just need to say one thing, one thing and then I’ll throw this damn thing in the fire. 

Ok, not really, because Hermione would actually murder me if she found out, and I kind of like having things that people have given me, even if it’s only to find it under my bed or behind a desk when I move out of this place and into a cottage somewhere when I'm old and grey. 

I kind of forgot about this thing until this weekend. I was at orientation at The Ministry this Friday – Auror training started yesterday. Well guess who was at the fucking ‘get to know eachother’ orientation for the new recruits? 

Ok, there’s actually no one to answer, so I am talking to myself. Am I actually talking to my future self? Like I wont remember this horrible cosmic joke of a development? 

Never mind.

Draco Malfoy. That’s who was there.

What are they thinking? How did he get passed all those tests?

I just passed, and I’ve been taking those stupid psych evaluations for two years now. 

For the record, if I forget later on, I still think it was excessive to put me in therapy for two years. I know there was a war and I have a lot of ‘childhood trauma’, or whatever, but I am not a danger to anyone.

Ron thinks it’s because they were kind of afraid of me. Like the way people feared Dumbledore at times. 

But come on. If I was damaged, what about Malfoy – he must be completely broken. I can’t see how it makes any sense to let him into the program. None. 

I’ve been trying to control my temper. I succeed, mostly. Seeing him at the orientation, and then again yesterday, just makes me want to scream at… well…. Everyone. Fucking Malfoy. Like years of taunting me at Hogwarts weren’t enough. Now I have to endure three more years of that shit.

He didn’t even look at me.

Wanker.


	3. September 7th 2000

He’s completely ignoring me. 

Where does he come off? I mean, it’s not like expected him to ever thank me or even acknowledge what I did for him, but he could at least stop pretending I don’t exist. 

Isn’t it just typical; when I finally get to move on, I get thrown right back to Hogwarts. When did Malfoy even take his NEWTS? He didn’t sit them with the rest of us back then, I’m sure I would have noticed. 

As a matter of fact, what has he been doing for the past couple of years? 

No.

I don’t care. I actually don’t care at all. 

Auror training is my focus. I’ll focus on Auror training. Not Draco Malfoy.

It’s not like I care anyway, right? It’s not going to have any impact on my life. 

I’ll focus on other things.

Like the other trainees. I don’t actually know anyone else, I’ve found it kind of hard to just strike up conversation. They were all a couple of years under me at Hogwarts and they look at me with that look. You know the look, future Harry, the glazed-eyes-hero-worshipping-mouth-slightly-open look. I tried to talk to this guy, that I am pretty sure was in Gryffindor, and I thought, well… we would have something in common, right? Wrong. He started stuttering and I think he actually giggled at me at one point.

How am I supposed to learn with these people if they are always looking at me like I’m some sort of saviour? 

Maybe I should follow Ron’s example and just drop it. He tried to join the program right after the war, but it was too much. People wouldn’t leave him alone. it’s not like I like to admit too it often, but if they wouldn’t leave Ron alone, there is not a chance in hell they’ll leave me alone, you know? 

But it’s been two years. Two years for people to calm the fuck down.

And I’ve never wanted to do anything else.

I’ll just have to hold my wand tight and get through the first couple of months. After a while it’ll have to calm down. When they realise I am not some kind of superhero or anything special at all, really, they’ll calm the fuck down and we’ll probably end up laughing about it.

I’ll just have to stick it out.


	4. September 14th 2000

I can’t stick it out.

I have to, but I seriously can’t take it.

Yesterday Greyson stopped in the middle of the practical to look at me, we were supposed to be teaming up, trying to match each other and reach the end of the course at the same time… so we ended up using more than twenty minutes. I had to just stop in the middle of everything and look at her as well, to shake her out of it.

We were the worst team of the day.

And fucking Malfoy. I know he was smirking at me, even though he keeps pretending I don’t exist. I could tell by the way he was standing – looking down, but shoulders kind of tense. I know that stance, you know? I know that fucking stance, I’ve seen it a million times before. Wanker.

Ok, to be fair, he hasn’t actually done anything at all these two weeks. I guess he’s keeping his head down. I wonder why he even wants to be an Auror. What’s in it for him. I can’t believe that it’s altruistic and I know that he kept most of his money. I wonder if he has the right to use it though… his parents aren’t dead, so maybe that’s it? Maybe his private vaults are running low?

There must be easier ways to get money though.

Maybe it’s the prestige? Or maybe he thinks people will forget what the Malfoy name means?

I could ask him.

That might be the weirdest conversation ever… and I talk to Luna on a regular basis.

Well, I’m off to bed now, practicals are continuing tomorrow and all through next week. They are trying to determine who should be partnered with eachother.

“Your partner will be your brother or sister, your partner will be the closest thing you have to family for the next three years,” as Jones says. 

To be honest, right now, I can’t imagine a single person in the program who I’d ever be close enough to, to call family. I just don’t see it. Fourteen people who hero-worships me and one who completely ignores my existence. 

I always did have the best luck with family dynamics.


	5. September 17th 2000

Damn it. Shit. 

Ok. First of all. I hate Hermione. Well, not really, because I actually fucking love that annoying, infuriatingly right woman. 

Shit.

So – first reason why I should hate Hermione, but can’t, because of all that pesky love, is that she is always right. Take this diary. I already kind of like having it. It’s a good venting tool. It’s better than yelling at people at least. So she was right on that account. But another thing that you must remember about her at this age, future Harry, is that she is so damn smug about being right.

Ok, context. Just because you might be going senile - I should find a name for you other than “future Harry” it seems somewhat insane and I refuse to address to “Diary” – “Dear diary, today I did something stupid”. Nope. Not happening.

I’ll think on it. I’ll come up with something brilliant, I’m sure.

Ok. So back to smug Hermione. 

We went out this Friday. And to be fair to myself and not seem too ridiculous if I actually forget the context later on and read this back – I don’t drink much. I don’t like being out of control, people are always watching me, waiting for a chance to sell a story to The Prophet or just to have a funny “I saw The Boy Who Conquered puke in a straw-hat”- story to tell. Seriously, that story would not die. So I rarely get plastered. 

But this Auror training is really getting to me. I want to do well and I want a decent partner, but It seems so fucking impossible right now.

This is my very longwinded way of telling you that I did get stupid-drunk this Friday. It is my way of telling you that Hermione said, at least thrice; “You are going to regret it, Harry”.

How can one person always be fucking right. I doesn’t seem statistically plausible.

So I am regretting it. 

I don’t actually regret picking up a cute girl, who’s name escapes me. I don’t actually regret pulling her out in the alley either. A one off, there is nothing wrong with that.

I do however regret the fact that I did not in fact pull her into an alley but into the middle of the street. I do regret that I did not notice until there were at least four cameras in my face. I also regret that I proceeded to yell at the reporters while attempting to remove my conquest’s clothes. I should add that she was not at all interested in getting her picture taken and she, as far as I remember, tried to get away from me several times when I very clumsily attempted to defend her honor. I think I let her escape on the third try.

The papers were not kind to me yesterday morning

And now I just can’t face tomorrow. It’s too mortifying.

The only upside is that Malfoy is ignoring me, which means I don’t have to listen to his taunts.

I really don’t want to go to training tomorrow.

Damn it.


	6. September 19th 2000

I was paired with Moran today. 

I honestly didn’t think it could get worse than Greyson, I really didn’t. 

It was so much worse than Greyson.

Moran gave me flashbacks to second year, you remember second year old, grey Harry – right? Oh, you’re probably thinking; ‘how does a mousy little Auror-trainee with reflexes like a cat remind you of a big, deadly snake?’ – well, he doesn’t as a matter of fact. He reminds me of Colin. 

At first I was kind of nostalgic and I cut him some slack. Colin is, after all, a war hero now and I really do respect his sacrifice. But let me be honest with myself here for a minute. He was incredibly annoying as a first year. He talked a mile a minute and shoved a camera in my face every two seconds. 

Moran is exactly like that.

Only – it’s so much worse coming from and adult. How can any self-respecting man spout those things.

“What do you think, Potter?”

“Wow, you’re really strong, Potter!”

“Do you want some of my sandwich, Potter?”

“Look, Potter, I almost had it that time, Potter!”

“How are you this good at all this stuff, Potter?”

“Did you learn all this fighting You-Know-Who, Potter?”

Merlin’s saggy balls, I wanted to kill myself by the end of the day – well, maybe start by killing Moran – slowly – by stuffing his abnormally large feet down his throat. I will have to drop out if I am paired with him, I don’t think I could stand a day more of that – signing up for three years of it would make me want to face a fucking basilisk again.

I heard Malfoy snort at Moran's outbursts a couple of times as well. Go figure, at this moment I am in a situation where Malfoy is not the one I find most annoying. 

He can’t pretend to ignore me anymore, I know he is listening.


	7. September 22nd 2000

Dear Future Harry (Farry? Furry?)

How did you survive this? 

Did you drop out of the programme, because I can honestly tell you – remind you – that you are really fucking close at this point in time.

Maybe you are reading this back as you sell it for a couple of Knuts to the highest bidder. That’s how far we’ll fall, because I couldn’t man the fuck up and do the Auror training.

To be fair, I wouldn’t be the first to drop out. Greyson already quit and it seems like Thinly is close to breaking as well.

To be even more fair; it has nothing to do with manning up. I would maybe call it the exact opposite of that. It’s more like “get over yourself you stupid shit and appreciate the chance you’ve been given”-up. 

What is not fair, at all, is that fucking Malfoy is acing this. He is at the top of the class in almost every test. I have this idea in my head, that if I had a decent partner once in a while, I would do better, but I still wouldn’t be that great at the theory. 

So why is this day worse than the others? Well, it’s not. Not really. But the tests are over. We are getting our partners on Monday and I still don’t see a way this will be a good experience. 

Some of the pairs already seem to make sense, they found each other early and work well together, like Bagman and Cinder. They actually completed the obstacle course today while Cinder was rendered blind. They did flawlessly. 

When I was rendered blind Rikker actually started sobbing going on and on about how he blinded Harry Potter: “I blinded him, I did, it was all my fault, I should have jumped in front of the smoke, I should, that would have been the noble thing, Harry Potter is blind because of me, my mum will never forgive me, she won’t. Never.”

He only stopped crying once Auror Jones had splashed me with the potion we were supposed to retrieve at the end of the obstacle course. 

How are they ever going to pair me up with anyone? If Thinly doesn’t drop out, I’ll probably be the only one without a partner. 

I realise this is all sounding very whiny and immature, but this is my diary, this is where I vent. This is where I can say all this crap and nobody get’s hurt. 

At the actual training, I mostly try to keep my head down and do the work. I need to do the work, I need to prove to myself that this Auror business makes sense because I am good at it, not because I never had a chance to choose anything other than fighting.


	8. September 24th 2000

I’m freaking out.

It’s tomorrow. I am getting my partner - of three years - tomorrow.

Ron and Hermione were here yesterday. They got back together two months ago and I have to tell you Future Harry, Farry – I am going with Farry. I have to tell you Farry, I am really glad they are back together. It’s great when your friends are happy and in love and I actually never felt like the third wheel when all of us were hanging out. But the four months they were broken up were maybe some of the worst of my life. I don’t make that statement lightly. You remember my life Farry, it hasn’t been all cookies and lemonade. I still say that February-June 2000 are ranking on my top ten awful periods in my life. 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt that torn before. I think it might be how children of divorced parents feel. 

Ron and Hermione are my family, you know. Well, of course you know. You’d better know – I am keeping those two together, even if I have to use a Permanent Sticking Charm.  
Well, back to the point. They came over yesterday and we had a drink and talked a bit about training. Ron had some advice to offer, as he has been through this part of it two years ago, but mostly we just tried to make a list of partner candidates. With help from Hermione especially, we came up with this list:

Harry’s Auror Partner Fall 2000

Not likely:  
Thinly – probably dropping out  
Cinder and Bagman – almost sure to be partnered  
Grubleston and Jan – almost sure to be partnered  
Bolder and Holly – almost sure to be partnered  
Rikker – That pairing was horrible

Possible:  
Moran – wasn’t actually the worst from an objective perspective (according to Hermione)  
Padder – not a complete train wreck to be paired with, tough he doesn’t speak to me at all.  
Firestone – she blushes a lot and seems star struck, but again, not the worst.

Most likely:  
Malfoy 

You see why I am freaking out?! I haven’t even thought about that possibility, I mean, the Malfoy/Potter animosity is not a well-kept secret. Who in their right mind would think about putting us together – for three years?

But see, this is the problem, because Hermione is always in her right mind - about the logical conclusions at least. She made the point that they’ll want to put us with equals and if all the “possibles” are too star struck to ‘communicate and cooperate as equals,’ it wouldn’t make sense for them to pair me with any of those. Plus, they all seem a bit frightened of Malfoy and his calm, collected exterior. I may think a lot of things about Malfoy, but I am not scared of him.

So in conclusion – I am probably headed to training tomorrow to get the news that I’ll be paired with fucking Malfoy.

My life sucks.


	9. September 25th 2000

Why is Hermione always fucking right?!

He still didn't look at me or talk directly to me, when we were given our partners. He just said; "well, this should be delightful" and then I kind of stormed off.

I swear, had I stayed a minute longer, no amount of breathing exercises could have helped keep my temper in check. 

Breathe Harry.

Fucking useless.

I might have ripped a couple of first entries out of this diary today. 

I might also have firecalled Kingsley - and then promptly ended the conversation - I mean, this is important and unfair and insane, but maybe it's a little excessive to involve the Minister for Magic.

Damn.

Fucking stupid-arse life will never give me a bloody break.


	10. September 27th 2000

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

Ron thinks I should quit and try out for the seeker position with the Canons.

Hermione thinks I should attempt to use positive communication tools and try to approach Malfoy as if he was a new acquaintance - her words, not mine.

Auror Jones thinks I should get my shit together.

Ginny thinks I spend too much time talking about Malfoy - again.

How are things with Ginny for you Farry? Did I end up with her? I do wonder if we'll ever get back together. I like to see her when she's back in London from time to time, it's nice and familiar, but I feel like I should miss her. You read about the way people miss eachother or hear others talk about it.

Like something is missing. Like they hurt all over but nowhere at all. 

I think about the way I felt with her, back when I was sixteen. I remember it always felt kind of fake, like I was trying on normal. I care about her very much, but it doesn't seem as important anymore to attempt to find and keep the normal life I was always denied.

I wonder if we are keeping a hold of eachother because we both wish that we made sense. We just don't, not really. 

When I told her about my issues with having Malfoy as a partner, I felt like I was talking to a House Elf. She was all "Yes, Harry", and "You're right, Harry". That's not her at all. She has fire and opinions and when I called her on it, she just... Well, she accused me of being obsessed with him.

I am not obsessed with Draco Malfoy, that's absurd. I might have been obsessed with Voldemort's plans back in sixth year and - by extension - Malfoy's plans. But come on, who can blame me for obsessing over someone who wanted to kill me since before I could walk. 

And the situation now is not about Malfoy as such, I just think it's unreasonable to think that Malfoy and I can work that close together for three years. 

He just rolls his eyes and looks at me like I am stupid most of the time. 

He never answers anything I ask him. Ever. Like I'll ask him something like "Do you think we should climb under the floating water?" - and he just shrugges.

I've learned to decode some of his body-language after two days:

Eye roll: You're stupid.  
Shrug: Sure.  
Smirk: You wish.  
Raise one eyebrow: Scared?

I haven't actually said more than I absolutely have to myself, but I have a lot of things I would love to say, to scream at his smug face. 

At least I haven't gotten the worst scores on the practicals since we were paired, so that's something.


	11. September 29th 2000

What was I thinking?

"Hey, Malfoy, want to get a beer?"

Answer; eye-roll.

Have I actually gone insane? Of course he doesn't want to go out on a Friday night with me. It's not like I actually wanted to myself, but I just thought that maybe Hermione was right, you know, maybe it makes sense to try and start over. But I got the eye-roll. 

I called Hermione to tell her that she was wrong, for once. She didn't really agree with me.

"You can't just ask him out for beer out of the blue, Harry," she says, "you should at least start speaking to him before asking him out."

I don't mean out-out. It's not like I was asking him out on a date. 

Oh, god.

Could he have thought that? Please, Farry, tell me that he didn't think that - no... he would have given me the smirk, not the eye-roll. Surely.

I can almost hear Hermione in my head; 'just because he's gay, it does not mean he thinks every man is coming on to him,' and I know that.

And Malfoy wouldn't have any reason to think I was, for all he knows I've only ever been with women. Well, that's a fact, really, but I guess... 

This is stupid, why is this hard to write down, I mean - you already know everything, Farry, you’ve lived it, same as me.

I'm curious - not about Malfoy, not about anyone in particular, but just... After I found those letters that Sirius and Remus had written eachother, I just felt something. It almost felt as though Remus was me. Not that I was in love with Sirius, that would be totally weird, but I had never heard that before - that you could like both men and women. I never knew that the fact that I looked at boys and found them just as pretty and enticing as girls meant that I could actually pursue that.

It's been two years since I found those letters, two years and I haven't done anything about it. I haven't told anyone, maybe I never will.

Have I? When I read this back, did I ever try and see how it would feel to kiss another man, to touch one? I hope I have. I hope I'll meet someone who'll make me brave enough to try.

Damn I miss Sirius. And Remus.

I think I'll go visit Teddy this weekend.


	12. October 1st 2000

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A did a small edit in an earlier chapter, because I changed my mind about a plot thing, so cookies for anyone who noticed a discrepancy and also apologies, I hope you'll forgive me. 
> 
> I want to post as I write and normally it's not a problem, as I have the most important plotlines sketched out, but that also means that I don't really do the whole editing thing and sometimes I do actually change my mind about stuff.
> 
> Love Elly

Hi Farry 

Nothing really happened, so for once I am not writing to complain. I could complain about the upcoming week, but it's nothing you haven't heard before and I thought that you might get sick of listening to your younger self whine about everything. 

I wanted to try the whole 'writing down my thoughts' - thing.

I have to admit that it has been kind of helpful during my first month of Auror-training, I think it might have helped me with not exploding in someone's face.

I went to visit Andromeda and Teddy today. I don't go there often enough, I know I don't, but it's hard for me, especially after I found out about Sirius and Remus. I feel like - if everything had worked out after third year, Sirius and Remus could have been my family. I wish for that all the time. 

And where does that leave Teddy? 

Do I then wish that he'd never been born? Do I wish that Andromeda was all alone, no husband, no daughter and no grandson? 

Am I that selfish?

The answer is yes. I would still trade in a heartbeat. I would go back and keep Sirius, I would clear his name and live with him and Remus. I wouldn't even think twice about it. 

It's horrible.

I think the war made me a horribly selfish person.

I try to justify the whole thing by thinking stuff like 'but then maybe Tonks wouldn't be dead, maybe Ted and Andromeda wouldn't be as involved in the war and then Ted wouldn't have died either, so really I am wishing for everyone to be safe, and then maybe Tonks would get another kid with another man,' but we both know I am lying. Even if I was sure that the only difference was, that Sirius and Remus were with me and we could be happy, I would still trade.

I did have a good time visiting, he's getting really big, saying short sentences and laughing at everything I do. He says my name like "Hawy" - it sounds so cute. He is such a great kid. I hope I'll end up loving him so much that this feeling of resentment and loss doesn't stick to me like tar everytime I've visited.

I'll do my best - please tell me that you have a great relationship with him now, I really hope that for the both of you.

Yesterday I hung out with Luna. 

She's been trying to get me to join her Magic in Movement seminar. I might have agreed after too much Goblin Ale yesterday. She is going to hold me to that and I am pretty sure it's going to be absolutely mortifying. 

I'm off to bed. Early day tomorrow, physical training session with Malfoy... Yay...


	13. October 2nd 2000

I'm in trouble.

We were in the showers after an insane physical session. I thought Auror Jones was a hard ass, but she is a cuddly pygmy-puff compared to Auror Limbour. He is trying to kill me. Shit I am in awfull shape these days. 

Ok, so back to the trouble. 

I wonder if you remember this day or if it's just something you'll chuckle at when you read it back. I imagine you with a scruffy salt and pepper beard. 

Yes, I am trying very hard to grow a beard, it's coming along - it really is. 

Fuck I am staling and it's completely stupid to prolong this, I already know what I did and you are me, so you know as well.

Sometimes it just seems a bit more real when I write something down...

Right.

Come on, Harry, don't be a wuss.

I looked, ok.

I looked at Malfoy.

I looked at Malfoy's arse.

I looked at Malfoy's arse for longer than I should have.

Malfoy is fucking fit.

Shit.

Why the hell are showers even divided by gender? What is up with that? How come it's totally fine for me to stand next to six naked, wet men, but it's unthinkable for me to join the five women in their shower. 

That would be less distracting to be honest. I've seen my share of naked women, I can handle naked women... Stop laughing at me, Farry, remember; I'm you. You were this much of a dork when you were twenty, deal with it.

Could I feign some sort of medical condition that would get me a private shower? 

I can't find Malfoy hot. I have to work with the silent snake, I can't go around picturing him naked. 

Shit.


	14. October 6th 2000

This physical stuff is grueling.

I've wanted to write in this thing the last couple of nights, but I've just passed out once I got home.

Right now I feel like my days are divided into three parts; sleep, eat and train.

Oh and avoid looking too long at Malfoy.

It's like I can't turn it off now. There is something wrong with me. I don't even like his personality.

To be fair to... Myself? Malfoy? I don't actually know what he's like now. He doesn't seem like the same poncy, bigoted, obnoxious, entitled, pointy-faced git that he used to be. He just seems washed out, pale and bland somehow - compared to how he used to be. 

Sometimes I look at him and I get these flashes, like I used to, like Voldemort is in my head again. I see Malfoy there, at Malfoy Manor, scared out of his mind, face gaunt, eyes haunted. 

It knocks the air out of me.

I'm not sure if it's memories or dreams I've had, if it's flashes of real events that I've long forgotten or repressed or of it's my head playing tricks on me.

Right after the war I had a lot of flashes.

Of torture.

Of long white halls.

Of Sirius laughing.

Of great snakes.

Of red eyes.

Of Fred's pale face contorted.

Of dead hands gripping me.

Of white masks under black hoods.

Of unknown muggles screaming.

Of Hermione dying while Bellatrix laughed and laughed and laughed.

I had a hard time sorting it out, what was real, what was fake. My healer helped a lot, it took me a long time to get rid of them. 

At least I know how to deal with it. I breathe, I remind myself what I know to be real and go from there. The trouble is; I don't know what's real when it comes to Malfoy. I had to leave early today - headache, I told them. But it's the flashes. 

I know I need to talk to someone, my healer maybe, but I know what he'll say. He'll tell me to ask Malfoy. How can I do that if he won't even talk to me about training. How do I begin to talk to him about the war?

My mind is a really fucked up place to be.

What's wrong with me. How can I find Malfoy hot one minute and then see his tortured face flash before my eyes the next. It's not normal.

I think I'll set up that appointment with the healer. This is not a spiral I want to go down again.

Don't follow the white rabbit, Farry. It never ends well.


	15. October 8th 2000

Hi Farry

I visited Hermione yesterday. Ron was there too. 

I found myself wanting to talk to them about it all. They know about therapy, they know that I've struggled with getting used to life post the evil assholes. Sometimes it's good to go over this stuff with them, because they were there. They even have experience with wearing a fucking piece of the git around their necks. They know - as much as anyone could.

But I just can't explain to them about Malfoy.

I tried, I really did try, but you know Ron. I can't imagine he'll ever grow out of blurting out anything and everything he thinks and feels at any given moment. No need to actually stop and think.

I opened up the conversation about Malfoy, thought I might warm up to the whole - I-think-he-is-so-fit-I-can't-concentrate which would of course lead to the whole I'm-attracted-to-blokes reveal and I'm not sure if I am ready for that yet.

So I just started small, telling them how it's been going as partners, getting scolded by Hermione for not trying harder to initiate civil conversations. 

And that's when Ron decides to chime in.

He said (and I'm paraphrasing here, Farry, because I can't honestly remember word for word): ' Oh, come one, 'Mione, you can't expect Harry to get all close to Malfoy, it's weird'

First part of his statement and I'm thinking; right, because Malfoy was a bully and poncy git. 

That was not Ron's point though. He continued like this: 'I mean, I wouldn't want an auror-partner who might sneak a peak in the shower or, you know, get a little too physical in training.'

Hermione scolded him and whent on and on about ethics and being open minded and all that.

But I couldn't pretend like he hadn't said that. I can't just pretend I don't know that he might not want to give me a hug once he finds out.

Do these views come from his family? Would all of the Weasleys distance themselves from me?

For the first time in my life, I am wishing for a prophecy.


	16. October 10th 2000

I just got back from Healer Shaw's. 

It helped a lot to talk to him. It's been a couple of months since I had my last appointment. Maybe I finished too soon. 

I finally spoke it out loud. It feels so real now. I confided in someone other than myself.

The funny thing is, it was not a big deal at all. I don't know what I expected, but I had a general idea, somewhere between 'a cartoonish drop of the jaw' and a firm 'get out of my office.'

Healer Shaw just asked me calmly how it made me feel to share it with him (his favourite frase "how does that make you feel, Harry). 

So I started telling him about Ron, how I fear what he'll say and what his family will say. I told him that I fear what a big fucking deal it will be to Hermione. She'll ask me a million questions I don't have answers to. She'll ask me a million questions that I won't want to answer. She's so interested in everything. It's the best and simultaneously the worst thing about her.

And then I started talking about Malfoy and the more I talked, the more I realised that I don't really hate him anymore. I don't think I have actively hated him since he handed me over to Umbridge. That's more than five years ago. That's when Sirius died.

I think that's the last thing I remember really hating him for; his part in Sirius' death. 

I know that it's Voldemort's fault. I know that now, but back then I needed someone, anyone to fix my anger on to shift the focus from my own guilt (Thanks for the insight Healer Shaw).

Malfoy is tied to so many of the most awfull memories if my life, he's even featuring in a couple, and I haven't seen him since, I haven't redefined the relationship - or lack thereof. 

Healer Shaw wants me to start small - three steps to get rid of the flashes.

Step one: Call him Draco.

Step two: Learn one new thing about him every day.

Step three: Share small things about myself with him.

It seems simple when I write it down like this, but even the first one is making me sweat. Healer Shaw says it might be the most important one to start.

He said that the name we use to define a thing or a person, has power over us and by changing Malfoy's I'll start the process of changing my view of him as well. Names have power - I know this. I understand this, but it's harder than I thought it would be.

Draco.

My auror partner is called Draco.

Healer Shaw wasn't worried about my finding Malfoy... Draco, hot. He says it's perfectly normal to look, wonder and fantasize about men, while I figure out the 'boundaries of my sexual identity'. 

So I won't worry about it yet. 

I'll instead worry about walking up to Draco tomorrow and calling him Draco to his face.

I wonder if he'll call me Harry.


	17. October 11th 2000

Hi Farry.

Where to begin?

Let's just start with; It's good to be home. 

I don't think I can explain how awkward it was. Oh the awkwardness. It's apparently a new speciality of mine.

My plan was to just casually say; 'hi Draco,' and then pretend like nothing happened. He doesn't actually talk to me anyway, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad.

I was wrong.

It was awfull.

Well, not awfull in an obvious way, not really. Argh. Do you still remember this? Does it seem ridiculously teenage angsty to read back? I know I'm supposed to be grown and, I don't know, responsible, but I'm not sure I even know how.

Never mind, back to Malfoy.

So, I execute my plan, I walk up to him in the changing rooms and say; "Hi, Draco," and I turn around and start getting into my sweats. 

Malfoy just stands there, frozen, so I don't know what to say or do really. He doesn't change or get ready so I stop too and then I think to myself, as the complete idiot that I am, that this would be a good time to check another thing off my list. 

As if the whole thing wasn't fucking awkward enough, I blurt out "I found out Sirius was gay a while back."

Yep.

That was my first "share a small personal thing."

He looked at me like I was Trelawney-levels batty and then he just shook his head and finally changed his clothes (I only looked a little bit, not even a look, a peak, really). 

What the hell does a head shake mean? It's not in my Malfoy gesture-catalogue.

The other thing I realised right after I had blurted out my little fun-fact, is that it wasn't even about me. Well, in a roundabout way it was, but how is Malfoy supposed to know that. 

I could have just told him my shoe size.

The rest of the day was just awkward stares and weird head shakes. 

Oh shit.

Fuck.

I just fucking realise that he must have thought it was about him, the gay comment, he must have thought I said it to make some point about gay people? Or... 

Fuck. 

What could he think it means?

Why doesn't he talk to me?

I could really use another set of eyes on this, maybe I could try to socialize a bit again. It seems like the glazed-eyed look are a thing of the past at least. 

Or I could just fucking man up and tell Hermione, she'd know exactly how badly I fucked up and what to do about it.

I wonder how I'll make an arse of myself tomorrow.


	18. October 13th 2000

I've kept up with the 'hi, Draco,' plan the last two days. He still just shakes his head. I'm torn between a couple of ideas as to how to interpret the head shake. I've narrowed it down to three possibilities:

1\. You're crazy.  
2\. Don't even try.  
3\. What do you want from me?

I'm leaning towards option number two, it's annoying as hell if that's the take away. It's the only one that completely kills any option of talking to him.

I still have flashes. Lately it's in black and white. And red. All the blood is always red. It looks like some of the games Dudley used to play on his computer. It looks fake.

But it feels real.

I've been wondering if I should tell him some more things about myself, maybe he'll see that I am not trying to mess with him.

I've kind of lost my nerve though, since I blurted out the Sirius thing on Wednesday. 

Sirius has been on my mind a lot lately. Remus too of course. I wonder why they didn't tell me about their relationship.

And then I feel like such a hypocrite.

If I had an accident tomorrow and someone close to me found this diary, they'd think exactly the same. Hermione would be so disappointed in me. 

Farry, promise me that you'll never show this to anyone. Even if you, the reader, is not in fact future me, maybe you're my kid, maybe you're a random person finding it in a thriftstore, maybe you're no one at all, maybe no one will ever see this, but whoever you are, please don't show this to anyone.

I need to know it's only for me.

What should I tell Malfoy next week, I need one thing for each day. I thought I might tell him that I'm in therapy. It's a little risky, The Prophet would love the scoop, but it's personal and it means something to tell someone.

I thought about telling him that I am having those visions, flashes, whatever, but I think I'll wait untill he talks to me a little.

Maybe I should try and refer to him as Draco in this diary as well as to his face. I feel like it might make a difference.

Shit, it's getting late, I'm meeting Ginny for drinks, she's in London this weekend.

 

(I'm not exactly sure why I feel like apologising for leaving)


	19. October 15th 2000

Hi Farry

I don't know what to do anymore. I fuck everything up. I saw Ginny on Friday, it didn't go well, to say the least. I couldn't summon the enthusiasm I normal have, I mean, it was good to see her, she looks great, she had the usual broad smile for me as she stepped into The Dragon's Diet, where we were meeting. All I could feel as I saw her was dread, like something was about to change.

I've always had a kind of sixth sense about change, mostly about change for the worse. Maybe it's just intuition, or maybe it's more the fact that I am so unbelievably bad at initiating change myself. I kind of wait for other people to make the decision most of the time, and then sometimes it's like a spell breaks through my shield and I have to act. I have to act or I'll explode. 

It's not a sixth sense at all really, it's a feeling within myself. I think I've known for a long time that things needed to change between Ginny and I, I just haven't had a reason to do anything about it.

I don't really have a reason now either. I can't really say why I suddenly felt it so urgently I couldn't contain it anymore, but the fact is; I couldn't.

She walked in, the broad smile fading slightly as she saw the look on my face, "what's wrong, are you not happy to see me?" she asked me, and I couldn't answer, it would be too cruel. Because I wasn't , I wasn't anything. It's not like I was anxious or mad or anything else, it's not that I didn't want to see her, but it didn't make me happy or even nostalgic.

"Just tell me, Harry," she looked at me with that Molly-look, hands resting on her hips. I didn't even know that I was going to say anything untill I did.

I told her we needed to stop, I needed us to stop, but I couldn't explain why. I tried, I told her about training, I tried to explain about being dead tired when I come home, about the physical and psychological strain it's taken on me, she interrupted me at that.

"What do you mean psychological? Are you seeing your Healer again?" 

She was so worried, I know it wasn't easy for the people around me two years ago. Everyone was grieving, everyone was trying to move on, but it was... You remember how it was Farry, I wasn't in a good place.

I told her tentatively about the flashes returning.

"You've been seeing Malfoy?" she asked. There was something in her voice that I couldn't place, something that had me on edge as I answered her.

"It's funny," she said, though her tone suggested that she didn't find it funny at all, "have you noticed who, you mostly have those flashes of?"

I must have looked completely befuddled, because she answered her own question.

"Your parents, Sirius, Remus, Hermione, Dumbledore, Cedric..."

I suppose she thought she was making some sort of point, though I couldn't see the connection between those people.

"Oh, come on, Harry, you can't be this oblivious," she rolled her eyes at me and emptied her mug, "it's all the people you care most about, it's people that you love."

I'm kind of glad I hadn't just taking a swig of beer, or I'd have sprayed her face with it as I spluttered my denial.

We ended up talking about something else, but something between us broke. We've been straining the connection between us for a while, I guess it was a long time coming.

I don't know what to think about her implication. Draco Malfoy lumped in with the people who've mattered most to me. Cedric doesn't really count, though I guess, looking back, he might have been my first boy-crush.

I remember how defensive I felt when Dudley teased me about him.

Could I actually have affection for Malfoy. 

Draco.

I don't know. It seems unlikely. I think it's more the fact that he's always been an intricate part of my life. He's important to me somehow.

I don't know.

What do you think, Farry? Does it even matter in the future?


	20. October 19th 2000

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I've been needing to use my phone for updates for a while, if you find a typo please don't hesitate to drop me a comment about it, I already benefit from the keen eye of the wonderful AcadianProud from time to time, but my auto correct is really screwing me over, and somehow I just see what is supposed to be there myself. I think it's some sort of author specific blindness.
> 
> Love   
> Elly

I did it.

I finally told him about the therapy. 

Draco, I mean - is it weird that it's almost self-explanatory by now, who I am talking about? He is my partner, so it's not too weird, right? 

My plan this week was to keep the 'hi, Draco' going, and then just wait for him to give me a clue, a hint, a nod, any indication that he was susceptible to conversation.

Two days of head-shakes and one day of ignoring me completely, and I had almost given up.

But today he finally looked me square in the eyes and said, "Good morning."

I was so surprised I kind of just blurted out the therapy thing. 

He held my gaze for a long time and then just nodded, didn't speak to me for the rest of the day, I almost thought I'd imagined the whole thing untill we were heading for the showers.

"Potter," he said, "what is the point of this?"

"Point?" I asked, trying to contain my excitement.

"What are you tryting to accomplish?" he didn't look at me this time, he just proceeded to get into the shower, which was pretty fucking distracting, to be frank.  
So distracting, in fact, that I didn't remember to actually answer his question.

"Would you at least attempt an explanation, Potter, it is becoming quite unbearable, trying to figure it out unilaterally." His eyes where closed and he had his back to me. I see it as a feat of particular strength that I found my voice in that moment.

I told him some of the truth, I told him that my therapist had recommended that I'd try to redefine our relationship - he chuckled at that. He actually chuckled, like we shared some inside joke. 

I suppose we do.

And then he grabbed his towel, wrapped it around his waist and looked me in the eye as he said; "I can do that, Harry," he gave me a slight nod and dissappeared around the corner to grab his clothes.

So, there you have it: I am trying on civil with Draco Malfoy. 

Please tell me that I am not making a mistake, Farry.


	21. October 22nd 2000

Is it always going to be this fucking hard?

I was at the Burrow yesterday, Molly and Arthur had their 30 year anniversary - quick math, Farry, Bill turns thirty in November - can you say shotgun wedding? Who would have thought? 

Now that I actually think about it, I really don't want to think about Molly and Arthur having premarital sex. 

It's not that I'm a prude or anything, but some things should really be left to... Well, not the imagination - more like left in oblivion.

Enough on horribly scaring thoughts about my last parental figures.

I was at the Burrow, it was great to see everyone, though it's still hard to gather like that, when someone is missing. It's a presence in the room, even though no one mentioned Fred. 

Charlie came late, the travel from Romania is long and everyone is used to him dropping in whenever.

Everyone had just found their seats, and Molly was standing with her wand raised, guiding all the components of the meal onto the table, and in comes Charlie with his arm around a dark-haired dragon trainer named Klaus. 

Molly yelped and let her wand fall to her side.

 

Bill caught the roast.

George salvaged most of the salad. 

The potatoes rolled everywhere.

It was awful.

Everyone gathered themselves quickly and made room at the table for the surprise addition. Charlie was pretty fucking cool about everything and it rubbed off a bit though Molly and Arthur kept throwing glances at eachother.

Ron was quiet. Really quiet. Hermione kept elbowing him in the ribs, trying to get him to snap out of it, but he wasn't really looking anywhere but at Charlie.

At Charlies smiles directed at Klaus.

At Charlies hand resting above Klaus' in a reassuring gesture.

At the way he whispered explanations in Klaus' ear when the conversation moved too fast for him to understand everything.

I know, it doesn't seem bad, but it was only due to Charlie. He came in and demanded that everyone accept him, because he wouldn't make a big deal out of it all.

I went home early.

I don't know what to do. How do I ever get to a point where I am ready to tell Ron. I don't know what I'd do if he started looking at me like that. 

Like he didn't even know me.

Like he was unsure if he had ever known me at all.


	22. October 23rd 2000

I guess my head was still at The Burrow this morning. I had a hard time concentrating on training and on the progress I had finally made with Draco last week.

I didn't start my day with the usual greeting to him, and I hadn't actually noticed untill he came up to me with a tentative expression at lunch:

"I do not appreciate being jerked around," he said as he filled his plate with too much salad.

"I don't know what you mean, Draco." I answered, my mind still on Charlie.

He didn't really answer, just muttered something indistinguishable, and I realised then that I must have seemed different and maybe a little standoffish.

Of course he would question our somewhat fragile agreement that was all of five days old.

So I asked him to sit with me at lunch and I told him about Charlie.

"I am confused here," he paused, "Harry," he said my name as if he was still getting used to the taste. "You are distracted because Weasley's brother is gay?"

He must know that I am aware of his sexual orientation, everyone knows, it was a pretty huge scandal when his engagement to one of the Greengrass girls were broken off. They followed both of them everywhere, eventually a couple of pictures were snapped of Draco and some chiseled-jawed guy.

It's the most alive I've seen him in a long time, there was this challenge in his eyes, without real malice, but the same kind of challenge I remember from when we were younger. I was about to just tell him why it was so hard for me to witness Charlies situation when the flash hit me.

He's lying on the floor sobbing, there's blood under his nails and in his blond hair. He is whispering something I can't make out because I am laughing. I'm not the only one; others are laughing around me as well. 

I come out if it on the floor, Draco is next to me, his eyes wide, his hands cold but damp, resting under my head, preventing it from lying directly on the cantina's hard floor.

"Harry, are you alright?" he asks and I all I can think is that his hair is clean of blood so that's what I say to him.

He didn't mention the incident for the rest of the day and I don't think he will, unless I do.

I feel like I need to explain it to him, he is my partner after all, and it would help me if he could tell me what's real and what's not.

I'm just not quite ready yet.


	23. October 25th 2000

Hi Farry

I've had a hard time at training the last few days. 

The story of me falling off my chair and clutching my forehead spread like wildfire.

Everyone's back to looking at me like they did right after the war and I hate it, I just hate it.

It's equal parts fear and awe. 

Draco doesn't look at me like that, I know he doesn’t, he never has, but I can't look at him or talk to him. I think he knows it's got something to do with him and I just don't know how to talk to him about it. No matter how much I want to change our relationship, he's still Draco Malfoy and I can't just forget that in a month or two, it'll take time, time that I don't really have. 

It's times like these, I really miss Sirius.


	24. October 29th 2000

Do you still remember yesterday, Farry? Is it edged into your memory or has it faded and become unimportant?

Today, I feel like I will remember it forever.

Today, it feels like the most important thing in the world.

We were at the Dragon's Diet again, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Luna, Neville and I. It's not often we meet in a group, especially out in public, it tends to cause a stir. They are good about it at The Diet, I guess they like being the place where we meet, so they try to keep the press and the rabid fans at bay.

Sometimes it's weird to think about - me, having fans. If you'd told ten year old me, that I'd one day have fans sending me eyelashes for love potions and trying to break in to a pub I was at by going through the shop next door attempting to make a portal through the adjoining wall - I'd have called you mad and told you to get lost. 

Anyway, back to the thing that happened. 

We were sitting there, having a laugh, really. I could almost forget about Ron's apparent homophobia.

Luna was hounding me about her Magical Movement class and the others were having a great time imagining me in all kinds of horribly embarrassing situations. Ginny had an especially beer-out-of-the-nose inducing thought, revolving around me and a fluffy feathered gown and some clapping and stomping - she illustrated on the table.

Ron was spluttering with laughter and then said "I'd say that's more likely to be Charlie."

And I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. 

I looked him dead in the eye and told him that I'd be just as likely to jump in a feathered dress as Charlie, if his reasoning was, that being gay equalled dressing in women's clothing.

Everyone just stopped what they were doing and looked at me.

Ginny climbed down from the table.

Hermione coughed a bit.

Neville looked at his hands.

Luna smiled.

Ron seemed to think very hard, like he couldn't really understand the meaning of my words, like he thought that what he had heard must have been wrong, must have been misunderstood.

He finally closed his mouth, looked around the table and said; "that doesn't make any sense, mate, you're not gay."

Coming to my rescue, Hermione started making some roundabout point about it being offensive to assume Charlie would like dresses and that must surely have been what I meant.

I could have taken the out. I could have just let it slide and pretend like I was defending all gay guys or bisexual or any of the other sorts that I know absolutely nothing about, but I couldn’t.

So I just got up from my seat, grabbed my cloak and headed for the door, right after I'd told Ron that I thought he was a big fucking asshole.

So... I guess I'm out of the cupboard - again. It was so much more fun when it was to be an out and proud wizard.


	25. October 31st 2000

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for being gone, I've been busy with work, It's calming down now - yay!
> 
> I'm going on vacation soon as well, but I'll give you a heads up then, as that is a planned thing.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy the chapters
> 
> Love  
> /Elly

It’s Halloween.

National holiday. 

National celebration.

Local Feel Awful About My Life – day.

I hate Halloween. It’s not just about my parent, it’s really not. Back at Hogwarts I didn’t really think about it much in that context. I never really felt it there, everyone just went about their business, we had a nice celebratory meal and that was that.

Now though; now I have to see it, see the people celebrating the day my parents died. Died to save them, they say, but I know that it’s not them, it was never about all the strangers in the street. It was never about making sure everyone was safe from Voldemort. It was only about me. They died for me and I will never celebrate that, I can’t.  
Last year Ron, Hermione and I shared a bottle of Whiskey and didn’t talk about why. We just sat in my apartment and talked about everything else.

Today I don’t want to see them, but to be honest – I really don’t want to be alone either.

 

Sorry, lost my train of thought. There was an owl at my window. It’s from Hermione.

I’ve thought about her a lot since Saturday. 

I think it worse, what she did. I always knew that Ron would have a hard time with my sexuality. He’s set in his ways and I just need to give him time to adjust, he’s always been that way. I expected him to get all freaked out for a while.

I expected a lot more from Hermione. I know she doesn’t have a problem with it herself, but who the actual fuck tries to shove someone back into the closet, when they finally had the courage to come out? 

Anything for peace, I guess. 

I know I should listen to what she has to say, she probably feels awful. I kind of like that she feels awful. I enjoy the fact that she is stewing, not knowing if I’ll forgive her.

I will forgive her, though. I won’t even make a big deal about it.

Yesterday I almost confided in Draco. 

That’s what my life has come to. The person I feel most like confiding in is apparently Draco Malfoy. 

What is wrong with me.


	26. November 1st 2000

I did it.

I told Draco.

He cornered me after practice today. I’ll try to remember exactly how it went:

“Harry, can I speak with you for a moment?” he looked kind of nervous underneath his hard exterior.

“Sure, Draco.”

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” I felt like telling him then, just blurt it out and get it over with.

“In that case, could you please get your shit together?” his nervousness had evaporated, making way for annoyance.

“Er… sure?”

“Are you?”

“I mean… what do you mean?”

“What I mean, Harry,” he sighed and looked at me like I was especially dense, “we are not doing well in training, you have been quite distracted since…” he trailed off and though I knew what he meant, I didn’t want to let him off the hook.

“Since?” I asked.

“Well, since you fainted. I have tried to give you some leeway, but I need my partner at his best.” 

“Right, I’ll step it up, no worries.” I made to leave, we were the only people left in the locker rooms and I felt like crying into a treacle tart.

“Are you sure you are feeling well?” he looked at me with an uncharacteristically soft expression and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“No, not really,” I couldn’t look at him then, but the words came pouring out of me like something inside me had cracked open, “I had a shitty weekend and a shitty Halloween. I’m not really talking to Ron and Hermione at the moment, they… they don’t understand, I haven’t tried to make them understand, but I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have to. I feel like they should just know who I am and that should be enough, you know?” I finally looked up at him. His face was blank and I couldn’t trace any sympathy, couldn’t trace any sort of reaction at all. “Never mind,” I said, “It was stupid of me to think you’d understand.”

He chuckled

“What the fuck is funny about this?” I felt my temper rise, it felt nice to get mad at him, but underneath that, I was so disappointed. I hadn’t realised until then, how much I had counted on him to understand.

“Well, you do sound distraught,” who even uses the word distraught, “but it is hard to understand something that has not been adequately explained to me.” 

“Oh,” I said, as I realised that I needed to say the actual words. I’m gay. I’m bisexual? I’m attracted to men? I’m… what?

He waited. He didn’t say anything else, he just waited for me to find the words.

“I’m bisexual,” I went with, “and Ron isn’t exactly open minded and Hermione doesn’t want us to fight so she… well, it’s hard to explain.”

There was a long silence between us until he nodded, more to himself, than to me, “right, we are going out,” he made to leave, “what are you waiting for, Harry, grab your coat.”

And we went out to some posh place I don’t remember the name of. We talked about it for an hour or ten and then he told me to go home and write Ron and Hermione, so that’s what I am doing in a minute.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am really happy that Draco Malfoy is becoming my friend.


	27. November 2nd 2000

So, things are not going great. 

I wrote to Ron and Hermione – damn I should have copied the letter in here, I can’t remember it word for word now. It wrote something like:

_Hi Guys_

_I apologise for storming off. (Draco told me it was a good starting point to find something I was sorry for myself, that way it’s apparently easier for the other party to apologise.)  
If you want to talk about it all with me, I’d be open to do that and I really hope this won’t affect our friendship._

_Love  
Harry_

Something like that, though I think it was a little longer…

By the way, who would have thought that Draco, of all people, knew anything about apologising? I always imagined him as someone who would rather eat a live toad than say he was sorry. Go figure.  
Well, the thing is, I got a letter back from Hermione. Only from Hermione. I’ll copy it down:

_Hi Harry_

_I am very happy to hear from you, I was getting worried. I understand why you stormed off, I have been smacking myself over the head with guilt. I should not have tried to make you sweep anything under the rug, I feel so ashamed and I am really hoping you will forgive me._

_I was just so worried. I know Ron is old fashioned, you know we still fight about anything from house elves to goblins and giants and the like. He always comes around a little, have you noticed that? Remember how he reacted at first when he heard that Remus was a werewolf or that Hagrid is half giant? He did not take that news well at all, but he came around, Harry. He always does.  
You are my best friend, nothing will ever change that and I know that Ron feels the same, he is just processing. _

_He will write you when he is ready._

_Do you want to meet up and talk?_

_I love you  
Hermione _

I’m going to write to her that I’ll meet with her soon, but I honestly don’t think I can be constructive about it all right now. I kind of wrote to Draco instead and asked him if he’d be willing to grab a drink with me tomorrow after work – I could’ve just asked him tomorrow, but I was afraid I’d lose my nerve. 

I’m hoping - and at the same time not hoping at all – that he’ll take me to one of those bars where all gay and bisexual wizards goes. Luna tells me there are many other sexualities as well, but those are the only two I am aware of – other than straight of course, but somehow no one seems to remember to count that one. No one ever remembers the default. 

I hate that there’s a default. I’m pretty sure I would have noticed that I liked boys as well as girls a lot sooner, had I not thought that there was only one right way to be. Boys and girls are lovers, guys and guys are friends – that’s what I was taught. 

I should have known from the minute I met Hermione that life is not that simple. She was my first girl-friend, but I never once doubted the fact that we were never going to be lovers. I wonder why it was so much easier to go against conventions when it came to having best friends…

I’m going to write her now, while I feel all warm towards her. If I wait too long, I’ll just get angry again.

This writing thing really is cathartic sometimes.


	28. November 6th 2000

Hi Farry

I can’t believe it’s already Monday again. I feel like the weekend has gone by in a flash and at the same time, it’s been one of the longest weekends of my life. So much has happened. 

I’ll start from the top, because that’s just good narration, and I’d hate to have to yell at my younger self fifty years from now. This is a chronological story after all, no use in changing that at this point.  
The reason why I am – sort of – debating with myself, is that I really want to write about what happened yesterday, but that’ll have to wait until I’m done with Friday and Saturday. 

So, I had written to Draco to ask if he wanted to join me for a drink, he’d replied yes and after training on Friday, we were all set to head out. I however, as the involuntary drama queen that I am, had to suffer another ‘episode’. I didn’t actually flail about on the floor this time. The flash was brief and more abstract than my usual ones. It was like the realities merged. Like, I was clearly standing in the hallway by the entrance to the Auror Training Centre, I was seeing Draco as he is now, but then a shadow passed over his face and he was Malfoy. His face was twisted and blood was dripping from a cut just below his hairline. 

I must have gone pale and I didn’t hear a word Draco spoke to me.

The next ten minutes are kind of blurry, I can’t really remember agreeing to anything, I just followed Draco. 

Followed him to the atrium.

Followed him through the Floo, my voice mechanical as a copied his words.

Followed him down the hall and onto his sofa.

He didn’t even demand any answers. He provided me with a hot drink that I have never tasted before, some sort of tea, but it tasted like cinnamon, ginger and warm milk.

I told him then, about the flashes.

It’s only fair that he knows about them. 

The ones about Sirius were the hardest to talk about, even though I’ve talked about them a lot by now. When I came around to the here and now I froze. How could I even begin to explain it. How would he take it. I honestly thought he would demand another partner after I’d told him. I have a tendency to misjudge Draco Malfoy these days, I should have known I’d be wrong about this as well.

He was very calm, way calmer than anyone has a right to be. There was this hesitance in his voice as he asked me about it. Short controlled sentences, like he was testing something, weighing his options as well as my words.

“Are the visions memories?” he asked and I told him “No” and “please don’t call them that”, because I hate sounding like some kind of freak.

“Have you had them about me long?” he asked and I told him about how they started and when they came. I even told him about the advice from Healer Shaw.

“Is that why you became civil towards me?” There wasn’t any blame in his voice, just analytical curiosity. I answered him truthfully again. At this point I had decided to just lay my wand on the table. 

“And once you are done, once the… flashes are gone?” he asked, looking at my face as though he could read the truth in my eyes. “Well, we are friends now, right?” I asked, holding my breath. I still can’t say why it was so important to me that he’d agree with that statement.

“I would like to think so,” he answered and finally he seemed to relax. 

I have to say, it was one of the more intense experiences I’ve ever had. I feel like I passed some sort of test, like this was my chance to really start over and if I screwed it up, that’d be it. I would love to say that everything was totally normal and relaxed after that, but it was actually kind of awkward.

Who even proclaims someone to be their friend these days, normally that stuff just kind of happens and then suddenly you just are. No need to define it. 

It’s the redefining that makes it important. We weren’t just strangers or Auror partners we were defined, sometimes it seemed like we were set in stone. We needed to redefine, so we did. And it was awkward as hell.

Oh shit, I have to get to training, it’s almost seven. I’ll have to jot down the rest of the weekend later. So much for continuity.


	29. November 6th 2000 part 2

Hi again, I’m back from training. 

I think this might be the first time I am writing in this thing twice in one day. It’s kind of addictive. During today’s training, I thought about this moment several times; sitting down, writing about the weekend and my day with a cup of coffee and a piece of pie next to me. It’s kind of nice, almost like I’m actually talking to someone.

I even felt bad about not finishing the story of how my weekend went. Silly, I know.

Well, on with it then.

After a surprisingly pleasant evening at Draco’s, even with the awkwardness, I had a somewhat shitty Saturday. I even sat down a couple of times, trying to put some words to how I was feeling, but I just couldn’t write anything, I was in complete chock.

The Daily Prophet greeting me Saturday morning did the trick.

Apparently I had been overheard by ‘unknown sources’ that Saturday at the Dragon’s Diet. I guess it took a while for the reporter; Sandy Faktius, to get an article together. A big fucking front-page monster of a feature. “Harry Potter – The Boy Who Loved Boys” – give me a break.

I have to give credit to Sandy, whoever she is. She got my outburst right, almost the whole conversation, which effectively outed Charlie as well.  
I am not ashamed to admit that I spent a good portion of my Saturday crying into my pillow. I know it’s not the end of the world, I know that. I just hate the fact that I have no control over my own life. 

Several owls came knocking on my window during that day.

Ginny wrote a short note to say she was there for me, short and sweet. She had already written me once after the Dragon’s Diet episode. Even though I haven’t felt like talking to her about it all, It’s good to know that she’s not mad at me. It seems like she understands that it has nothing to do with me and her.

Luna send me some kind of rainbow coloured ribbon with a note that said ‘to channel erotic energy’.

Neville who I hadn’t heard from since the impromptu coming out party, wrote something vague that I can’t remember. I think he’s probably fine with it all, he just doesn’t know how much or how little to say. 

And then the Howlers came.

So many Howlers.

I locked myself in the bathroom and cast five silencing charms on the door. 

There are still a bundle of letters that I haven’t opened. 

The only one I did open, once all the Howlers were done spouting their venom, were the one from Charlie. My hands were shaking so much when I tried to break the seal, I had to put the letter down, take a breath and try again before I finally managed to open it. 

It wasn’t very wordy, it just said; “Klaus and I are picking you up at one am. Don’t get drunk. – Charlie”

So you see, Farry, even though I didn’t get to go out to a bar with Draco and look at boys unashamed, I got the chance to do just that in the early hours on Sunday.

Charlie was great, didn’t blame me at all, he just came through my Floo, Klaus in tow, and told me to change my clothes.

“What’s wrong with my clothes,” I asked him as I tried to appraise my look objectively. 

“You look… soft,” he said and Klaus was nodding.

I still have no idea why ‘soft’ is a bad thing, but I must admit, that the clothes from the back of my closet that I could have sworn was a couple of sizes too small, did look more like the clothes they were wearing. 

“No dresses?” I joked, referring to the article and Ron’s comment in it.

Luckily they both laughed. Charlie was just so cool. I mean, who care what other people think it means to be gay, the only dragon tamer any of us knows is gay. Fuck stereotypes. 

The bar, Free For All, was crowded when we got there. To describe the feeling I got when entering that place for the first time, would be like trying to describe magic to eleven year old me. It is so far from anything I have ever known. There were actually men in dresses, but it wasn’t silly. It wasn’t like those stupid dares Seamus and Dean used to give eachother, where they ran through the Gryffindor common room in Lavenders skimpy dresses. These men looked good and comfortable. 

I must have been gaping, because Charlie nudged me and pulled me towards a table. He greeted a lot of people. Some lingered a bit to talk to Klaus and I, some just gave him a quick hug or even a peck on the lips as a quick greeting.

He told me he used to come here all the time and tried to visit a lot when he was back home.

I learned that Klaus was originally from Austria, but had lived and worked with Charlie in Romania for three years now, they had been a couple since before the war.  
The night wasn’t really anything more than that.

We sat, we drank a couple of beers, we talked to so many people that I can’t remember a single name.

A couple of times someone’s eyes would linger at my scar for a moment, but other than that, I was just Harry. I was just a guy trying to figure it out after coming out. They had all been there, they had all tried it.

Farry, however old you are, I hope you're just as kind to anyone coming out for the first time, as Charlie, Klaus and all the others were to me.

I’m going to sleep now.

I can’t wait to go back to Free For All this weekend, the rest of the world will just have to get used to it.


	30. November 8th 2000

I have to say, this whole ‘I don’t give a fuck what other people think’ attitude is hard to maintain. 

Auror training isn’t too bad. Everyone there is already used to Draco being gay and it seems like, for the most part, people are too wrapped up in the exhausting training to worry about my sexual orientation. 

Except for Moran.

He was actually getting more normal, he was paired with Rikker and they seem to be doing well together. I’ve even had a couple of normal conversations with them both during the last month. 

That’s all over now. Moran has gone of the deep end. I’m pretty sure he is crushing on me. 

Let’s be honest with ourselves here, Farry, I was never the best at reading social cues, so if I pick up on the crush, it must be pretty obvious. 

He offered to tie my shoes for me at one point. What the actual fuck?!

Other than that, as I said, Auror training is actually going well. Draco and I have been getting along, eating lunch together. We get some stares and murmured comments and sometimes I want to punch people. Just because we are both attracted to men, people jump to conclusions. It’s infuriating. 

Mostly because they are a little right. 

I mean, I do find him attractive and kind of funny. But that’s a far cry from being a couple or even thinking along those lines.

It would be a terrible idea to get involved with my Auror partner and to be honest, I don’t see it. We can talk and even laugh and be friends, but we avoid any and all toxic topics. I told him about the flashes on Friday, but other than that, we haven’t talked about the past at all.

It’s good. I like to have a friend that isn’t defined by the past. I feel like I am only being seen as who I am today and I do my best to only see Draco as he is now as well. I wonder how my time at Hogwarts would have been if I had gotten to know him back then, maybe it would be the same. 

Firestone joined at lunch today. She still blushes sometimes, when I speak to her directly, but she also glares at anyone who approaches our table with a disgusted look at Draco and I. When she sat down at our table she murmured something about her sister being gay and that was that. It’s like I’m in a secret club. Well, not so secret, I just didn’t know there was this sense of community. 

I should find out what Firestones first name is. She kind of looks like a Lisa.


	31. November 10th 2000

Celosia Firestone, that’s her name. Celosia? Wizards have the weirdest names, it’s insane. I could call her Lisa as a kind of pet name, but I don’t actually know her well enough for that yet. 

I think I’ll ask her about the name some time, not yet though, she has only eaten with us two times now, it’s not like we are really friends yet. 

I could ask Hermione about the name, she might know something, but to be honest, I don’t really feel like talking to her. 

I still haven’t heard from Ron and I don’t know why, but it makes me mad at Hermione. I am mostly sad about the Ron thing, but I can’t make him understand, I can’t make him change is mind and I have to believe he’ll come around as he always does. 

I wonder if I’ll be able to forgive him this time – I guess it depends on the way he approaches the whole thing.

Hermione does understand. She isn’t bigoted and she always stands up for minorities. So why won’t she fight for this? Why won’t she stand up to Ron?

Maybe that’s why I want to get to know Firestone better and Draco. My new trio – Auror edition.


	32. November 12th 2000

I just got home, it’s four in the morning and I’m a little drunk, so I apologise for any and all things I write.

I visited Free For All again, this time with Luna. Apparently she has been there many times before, so it was a bit like being there with Charlie and Klaus and also completely different. 

The weirdest thing was that Luna is popular there. I mean, I know we are all famous now, especially we who entered the Ministry that one time, but we are also a closed group. It’s hard to let anyone new in. For me at least.

I know that Ginny always was way more social than I am, I know that she enjoys the easy access that her names provides. She always says that I am too worried why people talk to me and that I need to just talk back and then figure out later if they are worth my time or not.

I can’t do that, I hate doing that. People come up to me and chat and all I can think is that they’d never have given me the time of day had I not been “Harry Potter”.

Seeing Luna at Free For All made me envious, I want that. I want to come into a crowded bar and everywhere I turn people are smiling at me, genuinely, not because they want something from me or want 

to hear about the worst fucking time of my life.

I danced with a guy. He rubbed against me and let his hands travel down my body. My dancing skills are somewhat lacking but the alcohol seemed to help a bit.

That’s until I totally froze and completely panicked when he followed me to the loo. 

“I thought you’d never ask,” he said and I just gaped at him.

He kissed my neck and tried to undo my trousers. 

I spluttered something about him misunderstanding and hurried out of there, my bladder still full. Luna caught my eye and she met me at the exit.

I don’t know why I panicked. He smelled so good and he was cute and hot and I could have finally tried to kiss a man. I want to try and kiss a man.

It hit me then, when I tried to explain to Luna what had happened. I don’t want to kiss any man. I want to kiss one specific man.

I’m so stupid, it seems so obvious. As soon as he was back in my life, I needed to come to terms with my sexuality. As soon as I saw him, I knew.

Draco Malfoy is the only man I want to kiss and touch and… damn it, I can’t. Because we are friends and Auror partners and old enemies and I can’t.

Fuck.

Hermione would flip out.

Ron would definitely never talk to me again.

And let’s be frank here for a moment. However mad I get at those two, they are the only real family I have.

I’m so screwed.

I don’t even know what to write here. I am going to be completely mortified when I read it in a sober state tomorrow.

The moon is full.

I wonder what Sirius and Remus would be doing out in the woods as dog and wolf. 

I wonder if it was hard for them, being friends and lovers. 

I wonder if my dad knew.

I wonder what my parents would think about me thinking about Draco.

Sirius would hate it. Not the bisexual part, the Malfoy part. He could see past many flaws and had a lot of his own, but he’d never see past The Mark on Draco’s arm.

Does he still have The Mark, Farry? Have you seen it? Are you reading this, thinking you were crazy when you were young, thinking I am crazy for wanting Draco in this time? 

I wish I could talk to you, Farry, take a peek into the future and just know what I’m supposed to do. Send me a sign if you can.


	33. November 12th 2000 part 2

My head hurts.

Shit, I just remembered that I wrote in this when I got home this morning. Wait, I’ll read it back. 

Fuck.

I exaggerated of course. I mean, I can’t really pretend that I don’t find Draco attractive, because I do, but I’ve known that for a while now. So yes, physically, I do want him, but it’s not like I want a boyfriend and it would be very stupid to go and experiment with my Auror Partner.

The problem is; his personality is also growing on me. 

I have to try and distance myself a bit, just until I find someone else to focus on. I want to try my hand at being friends with Draco and I can’t be friends with him if I want to see him naked all the time.

I need to talk to Ron, I need his no bullshit attitude about this. I need him to tell me that I can’t jeopardize my Auror partnership that, let’s face it, is going much better than I could have hoped for. 

I think I’ll write him once my head stops pounding, or stop by? Ron was never the best at putting his thoughts down on paper, maybe I should just stop by and make him talk to me. I wont tell him who I am crushing on though.

Shit, crushing. I have a crush.

Purely physical. 

Almost.

Ok. I’ll hop in the shower and then stop by Ron and Hermione’s flat. No big deal.

I’ll just say I am crushing on our new combat coach Finley, he’s fit.


	34. November 12th 2000 part 3

This is getting ridiculous. 

I barely get in the door before I have the need to sit down and write about what I’ve been doing. It just calms me down and helps me sort my thoughts, I guess. 

So, I just got back from Ron and Hermione’s place. It’s a really nice flat. It's on the floor above George's place and he put in a good word for them. Not that they needed it, they almost threw flats, clothes, brooms, wands, money and everything else at us after the war. 

It’s for that exact reason I got a flat in Muggle London. I wouldn’t feel right taking stuff from people, I didn’t actually kill Voldemort for everyone’s sake. I did it for me and the people I am closest to, I didn't do it to become everyones savior. I also like the peace and quiet. I think I might actually die from stress if I was in Diagon Alley every time I stepped out of my front door. 

Back to the nice flat. 

Do they still live in that flat when you read this, Farry? Are they still happy and right for each other – do they still fight all the time?

One thing I really love about the flat, other than the fact that it has a great layout and a big bathroom, is the way they made it their home. I can see them both living there. Ron is a slob about most things except for his Quidditch paraphernalia – it’s beautifully displayed between the rows and rows of books. How they made space for both books and Quidditch stuff, I’ll never know. It is a bit cluttered and both their desks are overflowing with papers, though Hermione’s side of the office seem to have some system to the madness. 

My flat still looks like I am renting it from a friend.

I wonder if it takes two to make a home or if it’s just a matter of learning how to make one. I guess I never really learned, I feel like I have way to much space for nothing more than I can fit in a trunk.

As I entered their flat today, I remembered how much I love to spend time there. Ron was at his desk, cursing about some lack of payment from a couple of customers at Weasley’ Wizard Wheezes - does he still work there with George, Farry?

“Who was at the door,” he called from the office.

“Just me,” I answered, trying not to betray the nervousness I felt.

“Harry?” he asked, and then he came at me in a whirl of red and almost knocked me over, he was hugging me so tight.

And that was that. I didn’t even need to ask about it, he started to apologise a couple of times, but I don’t need it. I really don’t. As long as he knows that he was wrong and he’s sorry about it, I don’t need a long talk about it.

I didn’t actually get around to attempt to get some advice on the whole “Coach Finley” – but really Draco Malfoy – situation, I thought it might be a little much right now. I will talk to them about it though, I might even be brave enough to admit that it's really about Draco, but not yet.


	35. November 16th 2000

Something weird happened today and I feel kind of awful about it. 

Not weird, that’s not the right word – mortifying, that’s it – that’s the proper word for what I am feeling.

Completely mortified.

Ok, so it’s pointless to pretend that I don’t actually have a major fucking crush on Draco. After this weekend’s realisation, I kind of couldn’t keep up the nonchalant ‘oh it’s just because he’s hot’ – thing anymore. Once I realised what was going on in my own head, I could not turn it off again. 

Oh sweet oblivion, come back to me, please.

So I guess I have been staring a bit too much this week. 

I stare at Draco’s mouth when he speaks.

I stare at his arse when he walks.

I try not to stare when he changes his clothes.

And as it turns out, I am not as good at concealing those stares, as I would like to think I am. 

Shit, I can’t even make myself write it down, it’s so fucking embarrassing. 

Damn it.

Ok.

I’ll just do it. I need to do write it down or I’ll go crazy.

He asked if he could speak to me after training today and I got all fluttery – I’m such an idiot. My mind went insane with possibilities – maybe he wanted to ask me out, could I even go out with him, what if it ruined everything – stuff like that.

I did not, however, anticipate the conversation I was about to have.

“Harry,” he started, “I have to tell you that this,” he pointed between us, “is never going to happen.”

“What?” I asked.

“You know what.” 

I did.

“Right,” I said, only to blurt out, ”why not?”

“It is an extremely bad idea and I am sure you are only considering it because of our close proximity these days. It will pass.” I wanted to punch him.

“I wasn’t…” I started, “I know it’s a bad idea,” I said, feeling like a little kid getting scolded.

“Good,” he said, “I really enjoy our newfound friendship, I would not want to ruin it over something insignificant.” 

I nodded and began to leave and the only thing I could think was, that it didn’t have to be meaningless, but I couldn’t say that, so I just turned to him and said the very last thing I wanted to say; “I just think you’re hot, don’t get all weird about it, Draco.” I tried to give him a sly smile, but I’m pretty sure I failed miserably. 

“Well, I can understand that,” he answered with a smile, “we are good then?”

“Totally,” I said, my voice sounding three tones higher than usual, “I actually have a date tomorrow, sorry for making you uncomfortable,” I lied on my way out the door.

So now I am mortified and screwed, because I don’t actually have a date and I am a very, very bad liar. I can’t make up a whole date scenario on Monday without giving the whole thing away. What am I going to do?

Shit.

I’ll figure something out.


	36. November 17th 2000

As usual, I am freaking out.

I got Charlie to set me up on a blind date tonight and I am stuck between not wanting to go and not wanting to go to training Monday and admit that I lied.

So, I guess I am going.

His name is Brady.

Doesn’t it sound stupid with Harry? Brady and Harry. It’s like the names are too similar. 

It also kind of reminds me of Draco. 

Oh shit, what if I accidentally call him Draco. I hope he’s not blond.

Ok, that’s a lie.

I kind of hope he’s blond.

Brady – sounds like someone with broad shoulders and a tiny dick. Maybe a rugby player, though he’s a wizard, so I guess that’s out. 

I’m totally stalling for time, I am meeting him in five minutes, I guess I’ll have to get going.


	37. November 17th 2000 part 2

It’s almost midnight and I just got home.

First things first, I didn’t actually have an awful time. Brady is American of all things and he did actually play American football as a kid, so I wasn’t totally off on that. 

I don’t know about his dick yet.

Yet.

I think I might go on a second date with him. He was nice, cute, not blond at all. His hair is brown and curly, but he still manages to keep it looking perfect. I wonder how he does that. My hair still sticks out to all sides even though I haven’t even got curls. I thought I would have grown out of it. 

Brady says some people pay good money to have their hair looking like they just rolled out of bed.

So, Farry, you are probably thinking that it sounds weird – me going on about Brady now, like Draco was just an anecdote.

I do hope he will be one day. I can’t sit around nursing a crush that’s clearly one-sided. I can’t turn into one of those people who moons over someone they can’t have. 

The thing is, I also want to stay friends with him and if I keep feeling mortified around him, that’s not a likely scenario. 

I am hereby crushing my crush, giving it the old Avada Kedavra. 

Goodbye crush on Draco Malfoy, it was not nice to know you, please stay dead.

Damn, I wish it was that easy.

Why is it that Draco’s always such a presence in my life. Why couldn’t he just be insignificant – to use his own word. I have no idea how I’m going to handle seeing him Monday. I feel like I might have pulled off a kind of aloof charm when he confronted me, but I’m so bad at reading situations like that, that I am probably way of base here.

You know what, Farry, I refuse to spend more time writing about Draco. Let me tell you about my first date with a man. A man who actually wanted to date me.

We met at Free For All – that’s where Charlie knows him from. Brady tends bar there sometimes, he came to England to study the migration patterns of Centaurs – or so he told me. 

I almost spit out half my drink as he told me that.

Migration patterns – makes them sound like animals.

I told him that I found his subject really fucking offensive and I almost left right there. He just looked at me from beneath a stray curl and then he smiled. 

“I always test my date with this – to see if I am sitting across from a bigoted asshole or not,” he grinned.

“I’m Harry fucking Potter, saviour and all-round good guy, what did you expect?” I asked him. 

He laughed, not just a small chuckle, but you know; his whole body shaking, head thrown back. 

“Well, I firmly believe that one shouldn’t believe everything they hear,” he said, still smiling.

After that the conversation flowed more freely – he was actually studying Centaurs - the history and customs, not the migration patterns. 

It was kind of fun to tell him about the first weeks of Auror training. He laughed at all my intended, and unintended, jokes and even though I was as relaxed as I could hope to be in a new situation with a stranger, I am pretty sure he was given me at least fifty percent pity laughs. 

I don’t mind though. 

When we said goodbye, I thought about trying for a kiss, just to see how it would feel, but before I summoned up the nerve, he asked me if I wanted to do it again next Friday. He grabbed his cloak and was out the door so quickly that I wondered for a minute if I had imagined the offer of a second date. I hadn’t though, I found a slip of parchment in my pocket with his Owl-info.


	38. November 21st 2000

The awkwardness is killing me, Farry. 

I don’t know what to do with my eyes. Do I look down all the time? Do I try to make eye contact with someone at all times? Do I try to play it cool and look wherever the hell I want?

Wherever the hell I want totally means at Draco. 

I’m trying not to stare – I don’t want to come off as some kind of creep, but my eyes just keep finding him of their own accord. It’s like I can’t control it, I just know when he enters room and before I can even think about it, my stupid eyes has found him.

Tell me something, Farry, does he at least age really fucking poorly? Is he hideous now?

I find it completely unfair and just to make it clear, it’s not like he’s getting any less hot. He was kind of soft around the edges when we started training. He’s all wirery now and tall and not at all as pointy-faced as I remembered.

And the cheekbones, I mean, he looks like someone sculpted them out of marble, it’s not fair.

How can I not look.

I try to think about Brady instead, trying to channel my pent up sexual energy towards him, but it’s as if I can’t even remember what he looks like when I am looking at Draco.

The worst part though, is that it seems as though he has already forgotten the whole thing, like it was no big deal.

It’s a bloody huge deal.

I’m telling Ron and Hermione. I have to. I can tell them about Brady as well, that way they know that I am not pursuing the Draco thing.

Yes. A plan. Good.

One more thing before I go throw another Reducto into my friendship; swimming lessons were torture – I had to actually ‘save’ Draco from drowning. All that skin on skin contact.

I am really glad I’m not fifteen anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys  
> I am going on vacation for a week and I am not sure how the internet connection is there, so you might have to wait a week before the next update.  
> Thanks for still reading along.  
> Love  
> Elly


	39. November 23rd 2000

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!  
> I'll try to post twice today to get this fic going again, I feel like I miss my boys, you know?!
> 
> Love  
> Elly

Nothing much to report today Farry, other than the fact that I am about to put my friendship to the ultimate test. 

How should I go about it?

Maybe: Hey guys, you remember Draco Malfoy, the bigoted arsehole who tormented the three of us in our formative years? I kind of want to kiss him.

Or: Hey guys, you know how I told you that I’m gay, well, I left out the part where I am actually gay for Malfoy, I hope you don’t mind?

No? Not good options?

How about: Hey guys, I’ve begun dating a guy named Brady, he’s kind of nice and cute and I like him, but I can’t stop thinking about Draco Malfoy in his bathing suit, what should I do?

Ok, that last one might actually work – ok, maybe a tweaked version of it, but I can do this.

I’m off. 

If you don’t hear from me again – please report Ron Weasley to the authorities.


	40. November 23rd  2000 part 2

I just realised – as you are me, Farry, it hadn’t done any good to ask you to report my murderer to the Aurors. It seems the illusion is becoming real, you are becoming a real, though very abstract, person to me. 

To sum up on the dinner at Ron and Hermione’s; it went better than I feared, worse than it could have.

Ron made dinner – it’s not Molly standard at all, but he picked up some skills – his potato-pumpkin soup is stellar. 

Hermione talked through a bottle of wine before I gathered up the courage to steer the conversation towards my problem. It went something like this:

“Er guys, I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

“I thought so,” Hermione said knowingly, “go on, Harry, I don’t think I could come up with another workplace anecdote if my life depended on it.”

It’s so typical, she totally knew I invited myself over on short notice to talk. 

“I went on a date, one of Charlie’s friends actually,” I started, “his name is Brady.”

“I think I met him once or twice,” Ron said, “Isn’t he the one who works with Centaurs?”

“Right,” my palms were beginning to sweat, ”that’s the one.”

“Great, brilliant, I mean if you like him?” Ron added.

“Well,” I said, knowing that this was my chance, perfect opportunity, “I like him, he’s nice.”

“Nice?” Hermione asked and I knew I had to dive right in.

“Yes, nice, I just think I’m a bit hung up on someone else.”

“Really? Who?” She asked, looking almost as she used to in class, trying to decipher a particularly difficult problem.

“Don’t freak out.” I said.

“No.” Ron was looking red-faced, his knuckles turning white around the bottle he was holding.

“N0? Who is it?” If it wasn’t for the serious subject, I would have found Hermione’s look of mild panic pretty funny. 

“Don’t do this to me, Harry,” Ron continued.

“I’m not doing anything to you,” I said, feeling a knot form in my stomach, “it’s more like it’s being done to me,” I added bitterly and then swallowed the last of my pride as I said; “It’s not like he’s interested anyway.”

“Who?” Hermione whined, “how do you know who he’s talking about?”

“How?” Ron spat, “because it’s always about him. Always about bloody Malfoy, isn’t it.”

“You… but…” Hermione took a deep breath, “I guess it makes sense when you think about it.”

“It does?” I asked, just as Ron said, “It does.”

We continued talking about Draco (the revelation that I call him that made another splash). It was up and down to be honest, but I think it helped that I know it’s a lost cause at this point. Hermione thought I should break it off with Brady to be fair to him, but as Ron said, I can’t really judge him from one date, so I’m going to write Brady and ask him out this weekend.

So there you have it, Farry, I didn’t ruin my friendship this time around, but judging from their reactions, it’s probably a good thing, that Draco isn’t interested in me. I have a feeling the outcome of the dinner tonight would have been very different, had I been on a date with him.

I just have to let it go.

Ron and Hermione took the fact that Draco and I are becoming friends surprisingly well, so I guess I’ll go that route.

Shit – you know I am lying to myself. I can’t lie to you, Farry.

See, there’s this little voice in the back of my head telling me that if I become friendlier with Draco, he’ll see that he should totally shag my brains out in the locker room one day.

I think I need to distance myself a bit, not a lot, just keep a professional distance. Maybe Firestone and I could become best friends at Auror training instead – she can be my Draco buffer.


	41. November 24th 2000

Hi Farry

I am going on a second date with Brady tomorrow. 

He thought I had changed my mind about it, apparently it’s just as bad form to wait almost a week to write after a date with a man, as after a date with a woman.

Note taken.

Though, to be fair, it wasn’t like I was doing it to be mysterious, I had kind of changed my mind and then changed it back again. 

I am looking forward to the date, I really am. We are actually heading to Hogwarts to watch Gryffindor vs Slytherin. Brady has no preference, but he does like Quidditch (not as much as “Curvesket” – whatever that is). Afterwards I thought we could go visit Firenze as a surprise, I know that the centaurs aren’t all that talkative, so Brady might find it cool. I haven’t really thought about dinner, I thought we could grab a bite in Hogsmeade, maybe. 

In my defence, before I continue, I came up with the spot for the date yesterday evening. 

I hadn’t planned on this turn of events.

Draco is going to the game.

He kind of asked me and Firestone if we wanted to go with him, I guess he sponsors the Slytherin team, who knew.

Maybe I should sponsor the Gryffindor team or maybe make some kind of Quidditch fund, I’ll talk to McGonagall about it soon.

Sorry, side-track. 

Draco asked me to go, I guess it was as friends, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked Firestone as well, but still. It did feel good to tell him that Brady and I were going on another date.

I want to believe that I didn’t imagine his disappointment, but I’m sure I did, he’s been clear.

And I have a plan.

I have a plan to distance myself.

I’m freaking out here, I really am.

I can’t be on a date with Brady with Draco in the stands.

Well, I’ll just have to be, because I can’t back out now.

And I have a plan.

I am getting over Draco.

Friends is the goal here.

Friends.

It’s a good plan.


	42. November 26th 2000

I just got home

I'm tired and a little drunk and it's 3am.

You won't believe how much I have to tell you, Farry, it's like I can't even recognize the words I wrote yesterday, two days ago? One and a half, I guess.

Is that how this diary will read for you?

Like it was written by a completely different person?

I think my writing is going across the lines of the pages.

Maybe I'm a little more than a little drunk.

I'll write all about it tomorrow. 

Is it too cheesy to write Brady in my diary with hearts all around?


	43. November 26th 2000

I really shouldn’t be writing in this thing when I’m tipsy – hearts around his name? Really, Harry? Are you actually fourteen?

Embarrassing.

Well, Farry, at least it’s equally embarrassing for both of us, right?

You probably just find it really fucking funny, by now you are sitting in a cosy chair with your husband/wife/abundance of toads and chuckling to yourself at the fact that I’m feeling like I’m at the bad end of a Wronski feint emotionally at this point in time. 

My head hurts.

I’m really fucking confused.

Brady is kind of wonderful.

Draco is Draco, always.

So, I should probably remind you of how the date actually went. 

We did go to Hogwarts, I didn’t chicken out of it – point, Harry.

It was brilliant to be back – I have been there a couple of times during the last two and a half years, but it’s been a while since the last time. 

It’s the first time I’ve watched Hogwarts Quidditch in more than three years.

It was amazing – even though Slytherin won big.

Firestone is also a Slytherin. It was weird to see her all in silver and green, cheering for her team. I felt an odd urge to dislike her, old school rivalries and all, but I ignored it.

Brady was totally into the game, he cheered for Gryffindor with me and discreetly drew circles on my hand when we were seated. 

Afterwards we met up with Draco and Firestone – I can’t make myself call her Celosia, though she introduced herself as such to Brady. Draco was curt towards Brady, though he gave a strained smile as we parted. 

I decided then that I won’t think about it anymore, I won’t use my energy on trying to figure Draco out. He’s made himself clear and even if I get a sense that I am not hearing the whole truth, I want to give things with Brady a real try, I can’t do that if I am constantly focusing on Draco.

I took Brady for a tour of the castle, I got a couple of fourth years to let us into Gryffindor tower, I showed him the kitchens - Winky is doing surprisingly well, she seemed to be functioning as some sort of manager down there, ordering the other elves around.

She didn’t have time for reminiscing and pushed us out the door with a basket full of chocolate truffles and hot tea. 

We went down to the lake and conjured up a blanket.

It was nice.

I got my kiss this time.

Should I say more about that, will you remember how it felt to get your first kiss from a man, Farry? I’m not sure I know how to describe it. It wasn’t like it was with Ginny, but maybe that’s just because all people are different. 

He smelled nice.

It was nice to be so close to him. 

I liked the way my fingers twisted around the curls at the back of his head.

We sat by the lake for a while, talking, mostly about Hogwarts and my time there. It’s weird to talk about it with someone who doesn’t know much about my escapades. Sometimes I kind of feared that he thought I was bragging or exaggerating, but he smiled and ran a finger down my arm and made those small circles on my hand again and I felt certain that he believed everything I told him.

When I told him about my encounters with centaurs, he perked up, going from listener to conversationalist. He asked and asked about the herd about Firenze and Bane, instead of answering I jumped up, startling him a bit, and vanished our tiny picnic. 

He asked and asked as I pulled him along to the edge of The Forbidden Forest, where Firenze resided now that the herd wasn’t mad at him anymore.

Brady loved talking to Firenze, they even exchanged information and Firenze promised to try and broker a meeting between Brady and the herd. 

I scored major point afterwards and I have to say – the kissing got even better.

He’s really great.

We ended up going to his hotel to eat dinner - got a couple of burgers in his room.

We talked and drank a couple of beers and talked some more.

Nothing else happened, I’m not sure when I’ll be ready for more – though it seems more and more likely that it won’t take long.

I hope I can be more relaxed around Draco now. 

I hope this means that my focus is on Brady.

I hope I’m not setting myself up to be an arsehole towards Brady.

I hope he stays in London for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would have better internet at my new vacation spot, but alas, it is not to be, so you'll have to suffer sporadic updates for a while still.
> 
> Love  
> Elly


End file.
